What Could Have Been

As I’ve mentioned before, my debut novel I’m With You underwent many changes from inception to publication. The original story I envisioned was vastly different from the final version, and, just for funsies, I thought I’d list some of the things that “could have been” had I kept on along the initial route…

Minor spoilers ahead! You have been warned!

1.) Ciarán did not exist.
Ramus was originally intended to be the narrator, but his role was also different than his final incarnation (see below). I added Ciarán because I wanted to show the main characters through the eyes of a different party, and did not want Ramus’s perspective to paint the narrative. I thought the themes and the lessons would be better portrayed through the eyes and in the voice of a teenager, especially since I was aiming for a YA audience, so Ciarán was created to fill that role. And I’m glad it was his voice that told the story.

2.) Ramus (and Valkyrie) were hit-men.
The original plan had Ramus and Valkyrie serving as hit-men from the same nefarious organization. Ramus is hired to eliminate Remiel by her paranoid grandfather, but Ramus ultimately turns against his employers and decides to save Rem instead, and he recruits Valkyrie to help him get her to safety with some family members across the country. So, there are some similarities, but I nixed the hit-man idea when some other plot elements were changed and new characters were introduced. Also, there would have been a lot more violence and fighting. The Ramus/Valkyrie relationship was mostly the same, however, though instead of being established before their introduction, it would have been over the course of the narrative.

3.) I’m With You was intended to be a trilogy.
Back when I had very lofty ambitions for the layout of the story, I figured it would take about three books to tell the whole tale. However, there were several different sub-plots going on that were eventually discarded. Valkyrie was going to become a “villain” of sorts, and there was an arc that would feature a “world war” type of event… but in the end, it was way too convoluted and confusing and I couldn’t quite scrape up enough plausible detail to weave all the events I wanted together into a cohesive tale. The main story was supposed to be “get Remiel to safety” and as I kept adding more and more, it strayed further and further from the point. After I sliced down the scope of my ideas and shuffled the remaining elements together, I was left with enough content to fit within the pages of a single book. And I’m super glad that it ended up as one novel instead of 3.

4.) Kaz and Kia were originally twins…
…and both were villains. Kia was originally envisioned as an acrobat in a circus, and Kaz, her brother, was still a fire-juggler. They were to be villains in the second main arc of the story, enlisted by the second main antagonist. That is why their names and origins are similar; both got an age-change in the final version, as Kaz is 30 and Kia is 25ish.

5.) Dahlia was the main villain.
She was also known by the moniker “The Boss,” as she ran the organization that the hit-man versions of Ramus and Valkyrie were involved in. Markone also did not exist in the original plan. Dahlia and Valkyrie also would have ended up having a child, though they weren’t in a “relationship” – Valkyrie was more or less forced into a liaison with her. Long story. Obviously, that changed quite a lot.

6.) Most character descriptions were changed.
Camilla originally had black hair and brown eyes, but ended up blonde and blue-eyed. Valkyrie had two-toned hair; brown and red, but he ended up with auburn. Kaz was bald, I believe, and Dahlia was a little older and had red hair. I think the only characters who kept the same exact appearance/physical description were Remiel and Ramus, though Remiel was younger in previous plans.

7.) Mitzi was a minor character.
The original “party” for the story was Ramus, Remiel, Valkyrie, and Camilla – as previously mentioned, Ciarán didn’t exist, Kaz was a villain, and Mitzi was a minor supporting character in what I envisioned to be the second book of the trilogy. She had a very similar temperament, but was employed by a government organization and would end up working against her employer to help the main crew. When the plot shifted around, I decided to include her in the main party because her personality added a bit more balance to the rest of the characters.

Shameless plug: My book tour for my YA novel, I’m With You, is still ongoing! Check it out here: LINK! Plus, the ebook is only $1.99 or (£1.55) and paperback is $9.99 on Amazon Amazon UK. 

 

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I’M WITH YOU on the road…

I’m taking my YA novel I’m With You on a virtual book tour starting TOMORROW!

Here’s the LINK for the tour, if you’d like to keep up with the stops! I wrote up some fun guest posts and there are a couple of interviews, which I hope folks will look forward to reading. And in conjunction with the tour, I’ve got some additional news…

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I’m With You is now only $1.99 in ebook format (down from $4.99) and $9.99 in paperback (down from $12.99)! Check it out if you haven’t yet!

Here’s the Amazon LINK if you’d like to take advantage of the deal!

Summary: When fifteen-year-old Ciarán Morrigan eavesdrops on a conversation between his father and two mysterious strangers, his life–and the life of his little sister, Remiel–is changed forever. After their father makes a startling decision, the Morrigan siblings are forced to flee the only life they’ve ever known and embark on a dangerous adventure across the nation of Empirya. With the help of a disinherited vagabond, a cynical violinist, a fire-juggler with a fierce temper, an aspiring mechanic, and a cheerful librarian, Ciarán and Remiel must fight to escape those who have been hired to hunt them. But will Remiel’s dark secret prevent the Morrigan children from finding a place they can truly call home?

Writing Rewind #9: Wings of Fate Chapter 6

On the previous installment of Writing Rewind, Heiwa got into trouble with his superiors for spacing off during training aboard the UNMEI. Will he be able to get it together in this upcoming chapter? Nope! But will something dramatic and life-changing happen? Yes! Let’s dive into Wings of Fate Chapter 6: The Girl.

KEY/GUIDE:
Strikethrough = cut out
Highlight = rephrase/reword/awk
Blue highlight = minor additions
DANGER RED HIGHLIGHT= massive cringe
Green highlight – switch/move

First off…

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That first bit and the last bit aren’t awful, but that middle section…. dear GOD. The shame I currently feel is insurmountable.

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More of the usual. Reworking and cutting out. And removing that entire atrocity in the middle. It is an entire paragraph of unnecessary dithering and a pitiful attempt at humor, and it must be DESTROYED.

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There; the chapter is still being set up, but it isn’t bogged down by pointless blabbering. No gingerbread houses. I don’t even know why I put that in there in the first place, considering I hate gingerbread.

Next up…

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So, Heiwa has continued to get in trouble with his commanding officers because he can’t stop spacing off during training. Honestly, at this point, it’s a bit ridiculous that he can’t focus when the situation calls for him to pay attention. I actually agree with his superiors – he needs a good smack upside the head.

ch6p2changes

Lots to cut and lots to rework! This is still kind of a “set up” portion of the chapter, recapping the difficulties and frustrations Heiwa is having, but it still doesn’t need to be so long, since the real “meat” of the chapter hasn’t happened yet.

So here is the result…

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There; the fat has been trimmed, and the passage still conveys Heiwa’s irritation and impatience, as well as the concern his friends have for him.

And now… the real adventure starts…

So, to set up this part, Heiwa is out “swabbing the deck” as a punishment for his behavior, when all of a sudden, something, or someone, falls out of the sky…

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Alright! Things are getting real! Real ridiculous, that is…

Anyhow, this portion of the story is where Heiwa’s dream of “adventure” starts to come true, but this set up and description of the mysterious girl is still mega tedious and needs to be adjusted.

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These character descriptions can be so much more succinct and far less clunky, nor do eye colors needs to be mentioned seventeen thousand times. It’s an introduction, not her life story.  So the usual rework/trim, plus a sentence needs to be moved to another point in the passage.

And here is the fixed version:

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There; we’ve introduced our new character and got a physical description that’s a bit less wordy, so it doesn’t detract from the actual point of the chapter, which is the mystery of the girl, not what she looks like.

Next…

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Okay; clearly this girl is going to be tied to Heiwa’s thirst for adventure, but I think the reader can put those pieces together without it being stated outright.

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Okay, so I want to punch myself in the face for using the phrase “cloudy gray yonder” to describe the sky. That is a thousand different kinds of terrible.

Otherwise, it’s more of the same. Awkwardness needs to be addressed and needless words and sentences must face the axe.

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There – the changes help to improve the flow of Heiwa and the girl’s first interaction with one another, and Heiwa’s not monologuing about fairytales and such, since the reader can understand that well enough by the circumstances. And “cloudy gray yonder” is GONE, NEVER TO RETURN!

For our next selection, Heiwa has named the girl “Shirotaka” and has decided to sneak her inside the UNMEI and keep her in his dorm with Daisuke! Because that’s a great idea.

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I mean, Heiwa’s poor decision making skills aside, this portion could use some sprucing up. It’s not as bad as some previous segments, though, which I consider a tiny, near-minuscule victory.

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Dare I say, since I only pinpointed a few major changes, this section shows minor signs of improvement? Nope, it’s definitely just a fluke. The usual issues with awkwardness and wordiness are still popping up and must be fixed.

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There; for some reason, Daisuke agrees to Heiwa’s ridiculous plan in a less awkward and wordy fashion.

Lastly, after successfully smuggling food to their dorm for Shirotaka and Heiwa;s first night sleeping on the floor of his room, our heroes get a surprise the following morning…

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Ah, yes… how could the boys forget about Inspection Day? Because the plot demanded them to, so we could fabricate some suspense!

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Really not much to do with this portion either, at least compared to previous selections. The cringe is at a minimum! What a nice way to close out this post… but obviously, it’s not perfect and still needs some tweaking. What would one of my old passages be without some awkwardness to fix?

So, here’s the fixed version…

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And there we have it! Chapter six is at a close, and a new character has been admitted to our ranks. Next time, we’ll meet some majors… both officers and problems, that is. Will our brave heroes be able to keep Shirotaka hidden during their inspection? Probably not! But will her presence on the UNMEI be a vital key to discovering the secrets of the mission? Who knows, but the next chapter is called, “A Mission Revealed,” so I’m thinking it’s probably a safe bet that Shirotaka is somehow involved.

ANNOUNCEMENT: I’m taking my YA novel I’m With You on a virtual book tour with RABT Book tours at the end of August! Info HERE.

Writing Techniques: Multitasking

I’m going to admit this straight up; I cannot multitask. It is a persistent challenge for me.

I also don’t know how people can multitask. I’m not talking about multitasking in everyday life. Like, I can juggle laundry and chores with life stuff and all that…. on a good day, anyway. But I cannot do other things while I’m writing. Like, this is my screen right now:

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I’m watching a UK panel show while writing this blog post. As such, it is going to take me approximately 489 hours to finish this post, because I will inevitably watch something else after this video is done, which will reduce my writing pace to a crawl. And for maximum productivity, I have found that I cannot multitask like that if I want to accomplish anything.

I used to watch TV or Youtube or Netflix or whatever while I was editing or working on a manuscript, but I’ve come to realize that I can’t do that if I want to get things done. I end up paying too much attention to one thing and not enough to the other, and it flips back and forth and back and forth until it destroys my concentration. Even if I do manage to slog through an editing session while catching up on my stories, my attention is never focused 100% where it needs to be, which makes for less than satisfactory results. I can pop on some music to help fuel the inspiration; anything else and I’ll be working at a snail’s pace with frequent distractions. Some people might be able to multitask like that, or watch a movie while working on writing, but I cannot divide my attention in such a way and still produce my best work.

Multitasking by juggling multiple writing projects at the same time, however, is a different story – but still a challenge. Inspiration is fickle, and the well of ideas can run dry after being dipped into too often. For example, I currently have a primary project that is in the revising/pre-query stage, but there are times where I feel burnt out on it; like all my motivation is spent and I can’t muster the right level of attention needed to achieve my best work.

To combat this, I can’t throw myself into a massive new project – if I do that, I’ll get too focused on something new, and alas, I am not an octopus capable of extending eight limbs to divide my efforts in multiple directions. When motivation starts to fray, I either walk away for a bit to clear my head, or I’ll draft out some blog posts. Sometimes, to help encourage myself to return to that main project, I’ll jot down some freewrites about the characters to examine situations in a different way, especially when I hit a wall and don’t know which way to take a particular plotline. Sometimes I’ll re-imagine a scene from a different perspective, to gain new insight on characters and relationships. Occasionally, I’ll work on preliminary stages or snippets for a new project, but I won’t go too in-depth with it – just the framework, to try and get creative juices flowing again. It’s like being a spider with multiple webs, but more work is put into fortifying one web until it is complete, while the others come together at a different pace.

Even if I am juggling multiple projects at once, which is generally the case, the majority of my focus remains on one of those projects… the danger of multitasking can stretch my attention too thin, and have a negative impact on my writing. I do wonder how other writers deal with multitasking – it might be a challenge for me, and effortless for another. But I do know for sure that if I want to do my best, I need to put emphasis on focus, and must minimize potential distraction in any way possible.

SIDE NOTE: I’m taking my novel I’m With You on a virtual book tour via RABT book tours next month! Stay tuned for updates!

Writing Rewind #8: Wings of Fate Chapter 5

On our last Writing Rewind excursion, Heiwa and Daisuke discovered they were roommates and Heiwa took a tour of the UNMEI with Sergeant Kahler. Now, the real adventure is about to begin… with training! Will Heiwa’s first training session go off without a hitch? Probably not!

KEY/GUIDE:
Strikethrough = cut out
Highlight = rephrase/reword/awk
Blue highlight = minor additions
DANGER RED HIGHLIGHT= massive cringe

CHAPTER 5 P 1

Sigh. Again, the set up for the chapter doesn’t need to be so… tedious.

CHAPTER 5 P 1 CHANGES

Too much inner and outer dialogue, and can easily be rectified with some slicing and dicing. And the remains of the slicing must be reworked in order to flow better.

CHAPTER 5 P 1 FIXED

There! Set up is effectively pared down and not such a drag. However, there should be a comma after “training” in Daisuke’s second bit of dialogue; didn’t notice that until now. Reading over things multiple times is important, folks. Clearly, I am a bad example.

Next up, Heiwa’s having a jolly old time as training starts under the supervision of Lieutenant Kurokawa and Colonel Berkmann… and by jolly, I mean miserable.

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*sharpening axe*

So clearly, our protag is having an awful time. But we don’t need to hear about it ad nauseum. Really.

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The usual changes are emphasized here; less talk, and more clarity.

CHAPTER 5 P 2 FIXED

Much better! Though, really, I should scrap the ComBoards idea.., since tablets are a thing. But they weren’t a thing in 2005, so cut me some slack.

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Heiwa’s suffering at the hands of Colonel Berkmann goes on for like, 2 pages. So… that needs to be addressed. Because it definitely does not need to encompass 2 entire pages. I am not a sadist.

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I think even more could probably be chopped off here, but basically, we’ve got more of the same old, same old. Colonel Berkmann’s dialogue can be curbed and Heiwa’s self loathing can be slimmed.

CHAPTER 5 P 3 FIXED

Much cleaner, still as mortifying for our hero, and nothing of note lost. I mean, not sure if “drop and give me fifty” is still a relevant punishment, but I’ll stand by it.

Next up, some more suffering for our dear hero, as Colonel Berkmann has pieced together who Heiwa’s father was…

CHAPTER 5 P 4

Blah, blah, blah… again, doesn’t need to be this long.

CHAPTER 5 P 4 CHANGES

Petition to never use “orbs” as a way to describe eyes ever again!!!!!!!!!! GAHHHHH. I dread how often this is going to recur, though I know for certain it will rear its ugly head again…

CHAPTER 5 P 4 FIXED

So, Heiwa’s suffering is much more concise, now! And Colonel Berkmann’s alleged “cruelty” remains intact.

After the disaster that is the first training session, Heiwa and Daisuke set off for lunch. Naturally, everyone is pissed at Heiwa for his behavior, but one lone wolf strays from the back to befriend them – a young woman named Robin. And they get to talking about the mysterious mission they are on…

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Repetitive and repetitive, said the New York Times…

CHAPTER 5 P 5 CHANGES

We know about Heiwa’s dreams already – it was discussed in the first couple of chapters. We know Heiwa wants adventure and he believes in myths and legends. That bit doesn’t need to be dredged up again and again in the same way; the reader knows it.

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Better – it illustrates the differences between Heiwa’s and Daisuke’s perspective, without beating the dead horse too much. Plus, some new info gets passed on thanks to our new character!

Last up,

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The foreshadowing doesn’t need to be so… prominent. It’s already been hinted at, but the point of a hint is to be subtle, and this passage is not subtle.

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Short and sweet is the key! Most of this segment can be hacked away…

CHAPTER 5 P 6 FIXED

Dun dun dun! What could Dr. Black mean in this shorter, and much more effective section? WHO KNOWS? We won’t find out next time, I can tell you that much. But we will find out eventually!

Next time, Heiwa meets someone very, very interesting… someone who may hold the key to the adventure he longs for.

The Kindle edition of I’m With You is now $2.99!

The Countdown Deal continues for the kindle edition of I’m With You – price increases from $2.99 to $3.99 in a little over ten hours! Here is the link to purchase: LINK!

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Follow fifteen-year-old Ciarán Morrigan and his little sister Remiel, who, with enlisted help from a band of misfits, strive to escape their unstable father and the ghosts of their past.