Frostwritten

Coming to terms with one’s sexuality is be a challenge I never really thought I would face.

Admittedly, there were rumors in high school and college that I was a lesbian, mainly because I didn’t date, but primarily had friendships with other girls and did not outwardly express attraction to men very often (at least not intentionally, if that makes sense). I also have a fairly masculine voice and was not exceptionally attractive, nor did I attempt to garner male attention, which I think just led people to make a variety of discriminatory assumptions about me. I also faced my fair share of bullying in middle school over such things, and this was in the mid 2000’s.

I have actually never been attracted to a woman in either a sexual or romantic way, and thus, am not a lesbian. I’m not saying it would never happen, because anything’s possible, but it hasn’t happened yet. I have, however, been attracted to men, even to the point I have a type. I’ve had crushes and interests. But saying I’m straight doesn’t feel 100% right.

I don’t feel much of an inclination to date, nor have I ever. I’ve tried to convince myself that I should feel like that, because I didn’t want to be “abnormal,” but it’s never been a major factor in my life. Any time I have come close to forming any kind of romantic attachment I cut it off before anything can manifest, and I only regret one of those instances. I won’t dive into my romantic history (mainly because it’s not interesting) but dating is not, and has never been, a priority for me. I do not crave physical affection or intimacy. I don’t feel compelled to find a boyfriend nor do I feel like my life is lacking because I’m not in a relationship. I frankly find the idea more suffocating than comforting. I live alone in a two bedroom apartment and the thought of having to share that space with another person every day makes my skin crawl. I sometimes get annoyed when my sixteen year old cat is in the same room as me for too long, which is not her fault. I’m just, by nature, a fairly solitary person. Although it would be nice to have a guy around to kill bugs for me.

I’ve dealt with concerned family members and friends expressing worry that I’ll never find somebody. I’m sympathetic to that concern because I know it comes from a place of love, but they’re more worried about it than I am. I’ve not done a great job of explaining myself to them – I usually just tell them that it’s my life and I’m doing fine on my own – and they let it go. And I know my family and friends accept me for who I am, regardless. Even if they can’t necessarily put themselves in my shoes.

That’s NOT to say I’m 100% opposed to physical or romantic relationships. I’m open to them happening to me, but it isn’t something I actively seek. If it does happen for me someday, that’s great! I’m definitely in a more “gray” area of the asexuality spectrum (like 85% maybe? I suppose graysexual is a more accurate term), and am hesitant to say I’m definitely anything. It’s a fluid situation. But it is what feels right, for me. And at this phase in my life, I feel at last that I have come to peace with the way I am.

And I am proud.

🖤🩶🤍💜