It’s been a few weeks since our last jaunt into the world of my hideous past writing, and I was only just starting to recover… but it’s time to go back and knock out the rest of chapter 7.
Last time, we were introduced to two new major players in Major Leiter and Major Tango, and, after being busted for hiding Shirotaka in his room, Heiwa has been led to meet with General von Schneider. What suffering is store in wait for him? Let’s find out, in pat 2 of Chapter 7: The Mission Revealed!
Strikethrough = cut out
Highlight = rephrase/reword/awk
Blue highlight = minor additions
DANGER RED HIGHLIGHT= massive cringe
Green highlight – switch/move
Starting strong, as always.
Verbose, verbose, verbose. Much like my hair, this selection is in need of a good trim. And a good re-work.
Also, for a man who is meant to be so cold and intimidating, General von Schneider’s dialogue does not lend itself to that idea. He needs to be less wordy, more cutting. And also, the build up to the big reveals in this chapter is way too long. It draws out the suspense, but not in a good way.
Same ideas conveyed in a more efficient manner. Moving on, Heiwa gets taken to Dr. Black’s quarters, which are covered in pictures of a mysterious woman…
Ugh. I really fail at descriptions. Admittedly, I still struggle with it, but I do like to think I’ve gotten at least a little better since these dark days.
I do wonder if I can go an entire chapter without mentioning eye color. Somehow, I doubt it…but that one red bit in there is certainly overkill.
Also, this section is just wordy and awkward. So it’s time to trim and tame!
Now, the set-up to Dr. Black’s motivations is a bit more streamlined, without losing any of the actual content. Less clunky, and with improved flow, so it doesn’t drag… at least, not as much.
Moving on, Heiwa is reunited with Shirotaka, and Dr. Black starts to get into the real nitty-gritty of what the mission is about. He shows the pair some artifacts, and the explanation begins…
*sigh* This… is… awful.
I guess because I thought the explanation was going to be confusing, I had to cram every little detail into Dr. Black’s little monologue. But really, it’s not necessary to bog the explanation down so meticulously.
Really, that entire block is a massive cringe, and needs a massive overhaul. Other than that, it’s just the usual nit-picks and recurring problems. Also, Heiwa doesn’t need an overload of “How can this be?” “Can this be true?” “How is this possible?” wondering every single time he gets an info-bomb dropped on him.
Look how much shorter this is! And, at least on my end, the explanation still seems fairly clear, at least for the time being. The info-dump is not as drastic, which allows for a less overloaded chapter. It’s still overloaded, of course, but I can at least lessen the damage.
Next, Dr. Black’s explanations continue…
So, Shirotaka’s people, the mysterious Seijaku, can bring the dead back to life. What a twist! But this portion still requires a bit of a makeover.
Dr. Black’s dialogue is still too wordy, and that eye-reference needs to go. Far, far away, never to return. The reveal in this passage, that the Seijaku can resurrect the dead, loses some impact when it’s surrounded by so much fluff.
There; less talk, more… I don’t know, moving forward?
After this, Dr. Black explains that Shirotaka likely has amnesia, but he expects her memories to eventually return. However, when he asks Heiwa for help, Heiwa declines, as he feels something “off” about the mission. Therefore, Dr. Black needs to persuade him. So, if the Seijaku’s incredible power is divided in two, obviously, the second part is…
Ah, the old “using terminally-ill mother as a bargaining chip” trick. What a low blow!
The use of “she” and “his mother” also needs to be tweaked, as it gets muddled during Heiwa’s inner monologue. Overall, though, this passage needs the usual treatment. A little snip and polish!
Here’s the result:
Heiwa obviously agrees to help Dr. Black in order to potentially help his mother. So, Heiwa will now be serving as the “go-between” for Dr. Black whenever Shirotaka remembers something that could be useful for the mission.
But where will Shirotaka stay? The room next to Heiwa is occupied by Major Tango (which was news to Heiwa) so alternate arrangements must be made…
Such a “funny” turn of events loses the humor when it’s too long-winded, which means some changes must be made.
Hopefully, cutting out some unneeded tidbits and reworking some awkward phrasing will make this passage flow better.
And there we have it! Chapter 7 is at a close, and the mission has been revealed! Heiwa might get to uncover an ancient civilization, and save his mother all at once! Though, of course, it won’t be so easy…
Next time, we depart from the mission-based focus and get more into the psyche of the commanding officers, as well as the lamentable romance subplot from this travesty of a story. And is that a love triangle I hear in the distance? Or could it be…a love square? Rhombus? Trapezoid? Idk. There’s four people in it. Next time is Chapter 8: The Hated Day.
Shameless plug: My book tour for my YA novel, I’m With You, is still ongoing! Check it out here: LINK! Plus, the ebook is only $1.99 or (£1.55) on Amazon / Amazon UK.
On Monday, we have another Manga Monday, this time about Full Moon O Sagashite by Arina Tanemura. I own the entire series, but I don’t think I ever finished reading it for some reason, so I’m looking forward to it!
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