Destroyer of Technology

Over the years, I have earned a title.

This particular title is not quite as impressive as Daenerys Stormborn of House Targaryen, Queen of the Andals and the First Men, of the blood of old Valyria, Breaker of Chains, Mother of Dragons… etc, etc. No, my title is significantly shorter, and it does not denote any particular achievement or accomplishment. Rather, it declares me as a harbinger of doom.

I am the Destroyer of Technology.

For the record, I love technology. I’m not one of those folks who keeps up with all the latest trends or anything, and I don’t rush to pre-order every time a new version of the iPhone comes out (still rocking my LG G3) but I do have a deep respect for the latest trends, even if I don’t follow them all. I love my gadgets and electronics… but sometimes, I have an odd way of expressing my appreciation.

When I obtain a new electronic device or some form of technology, there is a fairly decent chance that I will somehow destroy it. Accidentally, of course. Some minor incidents include kicking a printer during a bout of frustration and breaking it beyond repair (it was a crap $50 printer from Circuit City, don’t know why I was surprised that it didn’t work well) and tripping over my power cord, breaking it, and knocking my laptop off my desk in the process. However, these were not the most damaging incidents.

My legacy began with my first iPod. It was a nano. The old version, which only came in black and white. My sister and I each got one as a gift and I cherished that thing. I took it everywhere. So, inevitably, I left it in my pocket one day and accidentally put it through the washing machine and about half of a dryer cycle. Needless to say, it was ruined for good and I was devastated.

Now, typically, one would think that after leaving a valuable electronic device in a pocket and subjecting it to a rinse cycle, I would have learned to always check my pockets before doing a load of laundry. But no, no… my first iPod was not the last to suffer so.

A couple of years later, I left my cell phone (Razr, anyone?) in the pocket of a sweatshirt and it ended up going through the washer, which killed it. To my credit, my mom is the one who put it through the laundry, however, I am the one who left the phone in my pocket and put the sweatshirt in the hamper, so I certainly shoulder the brunt of the blame.

I eventually procured a second iPod while in college. It was my running buddy; a companion that provided musical motivation for those early jogging sessions on brisk New England mornings. How did my workout companion meet his untimely end? You guessed it; death by washing machine. But this time, I managed to realize it before it got put into the dryer, so it wasn’t roasted as well as drowned. Regardless, it was rendered unusable and I was bereft of portable music once more.

Shortly after this, I went to the Apple Store and bought a new nano, determined to keep it alive for longer than 2 years. That might not seem like an impressive goal to meet but for me, it seemed pretty reasonable. I treated this iPod very well, and was vigilant about checking my pockets before each load of laundry.

One day in December, about a year or so after I bought it, I went to the gym, jammed out to my tunes while strolling on the treadmill, then came home, only to realize that my iPod was not in my pocket. Naturally, I thought I left it at the gym, but it wasn’t there the next day, nor was it in the lost and found. It wasn’t in my car, or anywhere I had been in the interim. It had seemingly vanished into thin air. I thought maybe I forgot that I had put it in my bag, but it wasn’t in my purse, or my wallet, or anywhere else I might have absently dropped it and forgotten about.

For ten days, I searched. And my search was fruitless. During this time, there was a period or torrential rainfall, a day of snow, and generally damp, cold, and miserable conditions. I bet you can see where this is going.

On a lark, I decided to check my front yard, just in case my iPod fell out of my pocket on my trek from my car to the front door. LO AND BEHOLD, beneath a brown, soggy, withered leaf, nestled between the sidewalk and the wet grass, was my beautiful pink iPod nano. It had been out in the wind and the snow and the rain for TEN DAYS. I was not – ABSOLUTELY NOT – going to lose another one. No way. Not like this.

Horrified, I snatched it up, took it into my bathroom, set my hair-dryer on low, and put my iPod under it for about five minutes, praying that it would live. I believe I was chanting, “LIVE, LIVE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, LIVE” over and over. And, to my utmost relief, when I went to plug my iPod into my laptop, the screen lit up.

And it worked.

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So, how did I celebrate this joyous occasion? By screaming for joy and jumping up and down, of course. And I renamed my iPod Lazarus, because I thought it was hilarious.

Good ol’ Lazarus worked for about eight months, but I guess he caught some kind of delayed pneumonia from his ten day ordeal in the elements, because he stopped functioning over the summer and I recently replaced him with a $20 mp3 player I got on Amazon because I think I have proven numerous times over the years that I can’t, and shouldn’t, have nice things.

The moral of the story?

Check your pockets before you do your laundry, and always be mindful of your valuables and belongings. Not only have I slaughtered innocent electronics over the years, but also several chapsticks, (one which ruined the clothes in the laundry, as well) money, and poor defenseless hair-ties. Treat your things with caution and care, or else, you could end up with a title like mine… the Destroyer of Technology.

 

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