As my mortal enemies and various nemeses may or may not know, there are a few key methods to defeating me in battle. Most of those are a direct attack upon my Achilles heel, which is my sweet tooth. I actually make a concerted effort to eat “healthy,” which would be much easier if I liked more vegetables, but if you pelt any of the following items at me during combat, you will likely be able to take me out. Or at least distract me long enough to kick me, or something. Anyway…
1.) Klondike Bars – I am the physical embodiment of the Klondike Bar motto. As in, I would do (almost) anything for a Klondike Bar. As long as it’s legal, of course. I remember back in the Old Times™ when they only had, like, two flavors to choose from, but now the freezer aisle is full of succulent and mouth-watering flavors. But my favorite will always be Neapolitan, or, as I call it, Napoleon. The mint chocolate chip ones are a close second, though. Ooooh, and Heath bar, and Oreo…all of them, actually.
2.) M&Ms – My go-to movie theater snack! I would probably destroy the concession stand in a fit of rage if the ushers were to ever tell me they were sold out. Though my love for original M&Ms shall never be eclipsed, I recently tried the white chocolate ones and experienced true love for the first time in my life. I have not been able to find them since – not even at the M&M store in Vegas! But someday, I’m sure we’ll meet again…
3.) Pop Tarts – If you leave a box of chocolate chip Pop Tarts unattended in my presence, I will steal them. All of them. I take no prisoners, no hostages. There will be nothing remaining when I am done, not even crumbs. BUT this only applies to a select few flavors. I’m a sucker for s’mores and the classic brown sugar cinnamon, but the chocolate chip are my favorite. Y’all can keep those bizarre flavors – pumpkin cheesecake, Jolly Rancher, maple bacon, etc. I have no time for that.
4.) Sour Patch Kids – I have long imagined that my eventual downfall will come in the form of a small, creepily-shaped sour-yet-sugary piece of candy. Especially the blue ones, as they are the most diabolically delicious. They could cut off my pigtails and I legit would not care, as long as I’d get to eat whichever little tastebud-destroying monster did the deed. Whenever I go to the movies, I typically get M&Ms as my snack, but these are a close second – it really comes down to my mood at the time, or the genre of the film I’m seeing… yes, I know that’s weird.
5.) McFlurries – I don’t eat an exorbitant amount of fast food – though I do find it delicious – because I am at least 62% health conscious when it comes to making decisions about my diet. But if you put me in a McDonalds, I will order a McFlurry, and it will be an M&M one – unless it’s March, in which case my order will be a Shamrock Shake. One time I made the effort to go to a McDonald’s on my own, which I never do, and their McFlurry machine wasn’t working. I nearly suffered an internal meltdown and left without ordering anything. I will say, though, one highlight of my past jaunt to England was the different types of McFlurries they had.
6.) Oatmeal Creme Pies – Whenever someone at work or a friend of mine tries to pawn food off on me, I’m usually able to resist it. But one time, a coworker asked me if I wanted his Oatmeal Creme Pie because he didn’t feel like eating it, and instead of my usual platitudes, like “Oh, you can just save it for later!” or “No thanks, I’ll pass this time!” I snatched it out of his hand so fast I’m surprised I didn’t take some of his fingers with me. This is the only Little Debbie snack that has such a powerful effect on me, though I do love me some Cosmic Brownies, too.
7.) Cereal – Picture it: a 20-21 year old college English major, who lives alone in a sleepy Massachusetts suburb and does not enjoy the typical college parties or hang-out experiences, and spends most Friday nights marathoning Hoarders and eating cereal for dinner. Cereal is an all-day snack for me. I only eat organic cereal, though. Like Nature’s Promise stuff. So I’m not a total pig.
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